I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
