Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
