I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
