I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
