yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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