As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
