Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
