Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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