im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
