I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
