Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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