I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
