Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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