Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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