Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
