I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
