***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
