last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
