all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
