Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the condom got lost in my hair
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
