I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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