Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
