Where is the hickey?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
