margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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