walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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