Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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