My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
