So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
