Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
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I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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