it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i think i just lost a toe
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
