You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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