but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
