you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
