Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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