Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
time to smoke my breakfast
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
