dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
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I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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