2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
