All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
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If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
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If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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