so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
