I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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