I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
