You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
