I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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