What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
