Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
