apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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