You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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