Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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