What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
