she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
