There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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