sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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