and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
